We live on the same property as my MIL. She’s doing something very strange.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My mother-in-law and my husband jointly own a property with two houses. MIL lives in the smaller house, and me, my husband and our 9-month-old baby live in the larger house. MIL helps watch the baby regularly, which is great. We have put in more boundaries about her coming over unannounced since I moved in a few years ago. But she is still over about five days a week to see us and the baby (which is more than I want, but my husband likes it). What I’m struggling with is a strange behavior that she’s started exhibiting recently.

She has a serious inability or unwillingness to join us for group functions at our place! She is often hours late to an event or leaves just as it is time to sit down and eat. For example, we had dinner for a major holiday for us, my MIL, and my parents. We gave her a 30-minute warning before the food would be ready, but she was still 45 minutes late and managed to miss everyone eating together. Another example: MIL, husband and his friend were over and we ordered takeout for everyone. Once the food arrived, she just left, no explanation or excuse offered. Another time, I invited MIL and our neighbor (who MIL loves) over to watch fireworks. MIL was about two hours late for this small gathering, which I thought would only last for about two hours. I don’t think she’s trying to be rude, but I find it rude and frustrating and think it sets a bad example. As our child grows up, I would like to have MIL be on time for events and have her sit down with us for a family meal on occasion. My husband says she has social anxiety, but these are small gatherings with people she sees all the time. How can I get her to show up on time for events and actually sit down with us for a meal?

—Want Structured Time

Dear Want Structured Time,

I get why you’re frustrated by your mother-in-law’s lateness. But I don’t see a way to force someone to be punctual when they’re not. And if your mother-in-law does experience anxiety when socializing or dining with others, consider that what feels like a small, low-stress gathering to you might be more overwhelming for her.

I have a close friend who is socially anxious, though I didn’t realize it for years because we’d mostly done things 1:1 or with our families. I started inviting them to hang out with me and another friend or a group of friends and assumed they’d be fine with that, but then they let me know that those situations are difficult for them, particularly on short notice. So now I mention it ahead of time if I’m thinking of inviting another friend or a whole group of people—sometimes they tell me that’s fine and they’ll be there; sometimes they say they’d rather not. They get to decide whether they’re up for a larger group thing, and either way, I know that they value our friendship and I’ll get to see them soon.

You aren’t wrong to keep inviting your mother-in-law to these gatherings—it wouldn’t be kind to stop inviting her altogether—but I think you (or better yet, your husband) can say something like, “We’d really like you to join us for this holiday dinner. We’ve invited [names of other people] over. But if it’s easier or better for you to celebrate with us separately, with just our family, that’s ok too.” It could also be worth one of you asking her, in a nonjudgmental way, what obstacles exist—since right now, all you have are guesses—and whether there is any way you you’re your spouse could address those in order to spend more time with her socially.

If your mother-in-law’s social anxiety is responsible for her behavior with you, and she feels like it’s interfering with her life in some way she doesn’t like, it’s up to her to decide to seek support or treatment. In the meantime, I think you can try to be as understanding as possible, let her know you’d like to see her for events if she’s willing, and meet her where she is, not expect her to always socialize with you exactly when you want on your terms.

—Nicole

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